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Today's day went fast and this post is a continuation of my thoughts from yesterday, at least I think it is.
I went through this day, again, with a fake smile on my face and with everything-is-okay and everything-will-be-alright thoughts. This time, I think I managed to fake it without anyone noticing my fake smile.
Maybe because I wasn't present as much, I stuck myself in the kitchen for most of this day, cooking one of my favorite dishes (maybe I’ll share the recipe later with you). While cooking, I was looking for another job, I scrolled through some job-offering websites, checked local newspapers, and I found one job so I applied for it.
You know, earlier, when I moved to Germany, I didn't have a job for nine months; I started driving myself crazy, going down into a deep depression. I was sure I’d be better when I found a job, even if it was just a part-time job. Now I'm here, almost a year later, in a similar position as before, but now looking for a full-time job. I said to myself before that all I need is to be self-sufficient, to be able to provide something, to be able again to have a coffee in a bar or a piece of cake in a nearby bakery. It turns out I didn't have that for a long time now, even though I'm earning something, not because I don't want to, but because I have no time for myself. So I was applying for full-time jobs, without even thinking it through, to have more income and to be more outside the house. That way I could definitely provide more for my family as anyway I have no time for myself.
You know, two years ago, I planned to move to one very nice island with my family and do remote work from there. At that time I was doing good, I had dreams, I learned some new skills that would, maybe, allow me to finally do the job I like. Today, that dream is long gone; I have no time to keep up with the skills I started learning, for myself, for my dreams. It all started collapsing, bit by bit.
I don't know how to fight with reality; I have no more strength in me, I'm running on low battery, going through days like a machine. The fact is, even machines need some maintenance, and I am still looking for what could be a thing that could fix me, extend my working time a little bit more before I shutdown forever.
Written in Germany