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My birthday is coming soon, actually this week. I don't understand why I have to do something for my birthday? Is it written somewhere in the rules of birthdays? Is it my birthday or someone else's? I keep asking myself why another person gets offended, well not offended but disappointed, when I say "I have no clue nor wishes".
I'm not getting younger, actually it's quite the opposite, I'm getting older. As I would say:
"One year closer to the graveyard."
I don't feel like celebrating that. My emotional as well as psychological status does not allow me to celebrate it. I don't feel fit to do it. It's even harder when you have no friends to invite, when you have a young kid and you can't even sit in a restaurant to enjoy a single meal in peace. I'm just tired of everything. If no one cares about me, or my needs, throughout 364 days in a year, that one day won't change much, so let's round it up to 365 days, don't make me feel bad because of you, stop making it about yourself and let me be.
In reality I'm not even that old, I'm just drained.
Drained of everything and everyone. At the end I'll be forced to "celebrate" my birthday, I know that already and again I'll have to go through that day with a smile on my face while my throat is completely stuck and my soul is screaming. I'm still trying to understand why birthdays are so important, I'm not a kid anymore.
Just to make a quick short list here:
- Depressed
- Emotionally unstable
- Not happy with my job
- Not happy with the country
- Not happy with my future
- Not happy with my health
- Not happy how my needs are satisfied
- Not happy with my free time
Well, it seems like there are quite a few issues there, without even thinking, those were the fastest ones to jump out of my brain.
So do you really think that I feel like celebrating my birthday now? If you do, go and celebrate it on your own however you think it should be celebrated, but please, leave me out of it.
Written in Germany