I'm Tired. Tired of Everything

I'm tired, tired of everythingy tired of wars, tired of Trump, tired of Putin, tired of Zelenskyy, tired of work, tired of high prices, tired of bad job market, tired of low wages, tired of AI (yes I know, I used it here and there to fix my typos as English is not my primary language, and to make some photos for my blogs), tired of European union, tired of presidents, tired of life. If you're wondering, yes I am depressed again, but considering all this stupid things that are circulating around us every day, on TV, news, radio, on the streets, it's hard to switch off my brain and enjoy a little bit of silence.

Stupid work, working 40hrs a week, sometimes even more, sometimes called in the middle of night, sometimes called just a minutes after arriving home. As if we don't have private life, kids, wife, friends (ok, I don't have any, but it's not their business). Get the wage at the end of a month, three quarters of it gone instantly. Pay the rent, bills, send some money for the kid from the last relationship, kid that I don't even get to see, hear, hug because my ex decided so, fucking system, gender equality, we need some gender equality as well, but who cares, we're just the guys, we don't need any rights. Put some cash on the side, wishful thinking, it's there on a separate account, waiting for the moment to be used as the wage won't make it up to the next one as daily needs are higher than what we have.

Wanted to buy a car, looked online, calculated everything, looked for all possible solutions, if I spare 400+ bucks a month for the next 10 years, without even tanking it, servicing it and paying taxes I can have it. You remember, up there I said all possible solutions, well, they are all at the end of the day impossible for a normal, hardworking person, if you're working legally, paying your taxes, giving your money to the government, you can forget about your needs, what you need, what would make you happy.

And the marriage, it has it's ups and downs, mostly downs.. And again, how not to. Wherever we turn, we hit the damn wall, move two steps forward get five steps back. Fix one thing, three get broken. One day happy, five in some sort of fight, for what exactly, nobody knows, but we're angry. We're both looking for attention but none of us have energy, it's all drained at work, paying the bills, finishing the month with almost empty or empty pockets. A little bit of energy that wasn't burned from all that mess, we give it to our kid. Sex? The hell is that? How is it done? Do you spread it on the bread? I don't feel like doing it, not just because I'm tired, exhausted, lifeless, but also because all those things mentioned before are constantly in my head, destroying my nerves, destroying my ability to live and making me anxious. All that anxiety and nervousness makes me eat crappy, fast food, sandwiches, snacks and other shit which makes me fat, being fat makes me feel bad and not sexy. All that fatness makes me even more depressed and closed inside my head.

Sorry and thank you, overrated words today, I'm tired of fake Thank you, I'm tired of being always wrong and having to apologize, I'm sorry I didn't understand you wanted a contact by sitting next to me and playing with your phone, I'm sorry I didn't notice you wanted a contact because you told me what I have to do and how to do it and when and why. No, I'm not saying fucking sorry anymore if I don't really mean it, thank you? What for? Thank you for staying with our kid, and thank you for being my wife. Where are thank you for waiting for me to come from work to bring the food and then cook, thank you for taking care of the kid for the rest of the day until the kid doesn't fall asleep, thank you for telling me to tell you my needs than ignoring them, I'm not deserving thank you, but I have to give them, I don't deserve im sorry but I do have to say it for every single stupid little thing.

I'm sorry, I am really sorry I do not understand you sometimes, but you have to understand me too, I have so many shit on my head, on my shoulders, freaking rocks, stones, furniture and mountains are weights I'm waking up with, pushing through the day, falling asleep with. There I said sorry, but because I meant it, not because you wanted me to say it. Forcing me to say it, it's not really a sorry, you should know that.

Waking up at 0530 for five days a week to go to freaking work that I don't even like, I'm not happy with and doesn't even make my day a tiny bit better, waking up between 0530 and 0700 during weekend also doesn't make me happy, I'd love to sleep, I love to sleep, hell, I miss one day to sleep until midday, but with all the freaking weights stuck up on my shoulders that day won't come any time soon.

Am I tired of life? Yes I am, do I have someone to talk with? I don't. Was I thinking about taking my own life? Yes I did and yes I do. Am I scared? Yes I am. Where do I see myself in five years? Hopefully two meters under the ground.

Written in Germany