The Weight I Carried Was Never Just Physical

People could see my weight, but they couldn't see everything I was carrying inside. For years, I thought my body was my biggest problem, while I was silently struggling with so much more. Some of the heaviest things I've ever carried had nothing to do with kilograms.

Important to Know

This is not a story covered by any health organization, doctor, or therapist. These are my feelings and my thoughts about what I believe the problem is. My issue remains unresolved to this day and is still ongoing.

Before I Start

This is my story, a personal story that no one knows. I'm not going to share all the details, as I don't feel confident or free enough to write about everything. Maybe in the future, maybe with a therapist, or maybe with no one ever.

Beginning and Development Throughout School

Once upon a time, I was just a normal kid, up until the age of six. Then something started changing. I started gaining kilograms like there was no tomorrow. By my seventh birthday, I was already the biggest kid in the class. Needless to say, everybody else was normal or regular sized to skinny, so it wasn't hard to be the biggest. By the fifth grade, or for us, by the age of 12, there was a competition between me and one other guy over who was the biggest in the school. I ain't gonna mention the bullying I experienced, as I was always quiet, stayed on the sidelines, and kept away from trouble.

By the first year of high school, when I was 15 years old, I was already at 120 kilograms. And if you think I was tall as well, I wasn't tall enough for that weight. I was just around 180 cm tall, which is about average height. By the second year, I stopped measuring myself. The last time I stepped on the scale, I weighed 125 kilograms, and that was just before the end of my first year of high school.

Why I Was Gaining Kilograms

I ain't gonna lie, I really enjoyed food, and I loved it, and I still love it. But there are many things besides enjoying food that could make me gain weight.

Family Issues

From the time my memories started forming, I knew there were fights and things like that between my father and my mother. From the stories I've heard later on, it had been happening since I was born, but my memory doesn't go that far. Those fights started escalating over the years. I saw many things: shouting, fighting, knives, beatings, police, arrests, blood, pill poisoning, and it was all on repeat mode.

Stress, Anxiety, Nervousness

As mentioned above, family issues started building up my stress levels. Maybe that's why I started consuming food as if it were my last meal. Back then, I didn't manage to connect the dots to see the full picture, but right now, whenever I feel stressed, anxious, nervous, or something just doesn't go the way it should, I stress eat. It's not just food, but also snacks, sweets, and everything I can get my hands on. Hell, the other day, I caught myself spooning honey straight from a jar.

Later on Throughout School

As the heaviest person in the class, and later on in the school, I was bullied, called names, and tortured mentally, verbally, and physically. As you can guess, that didn't help my situation but rather made it even worse. And I didn't do anything like many kids do today. I was just bottling everything up, keeping everything under the carpet. I was just a kid, and I knew very little about how to deal with it.

In high school, the bullying stopped, I can't say for sure, but I was already left with so many scars, not physical ones, but mental ones, the invisible ones, the worst ones. High school brought me teenage issues. I couldn't have a girlfriend, as not many girls like fat guys. So that started making me feel even worse. I was fighting a fight on too many fronts for a teenager, hell, when I think about it, even for a grown up person.

Family issues, food issues, mental health issues, and now teenage issues.

Scars That Are Left Invisible Even Years Later

I'm 32 years old now, and since then, nothing has changed. My survival strategy is still bottling everything up, pushing things under the carpet, stress eating, and relying on many other habits that are bad for me. I tried talking about my issues, but it didn't work out, as I was still somehow hiding myself and holding my issues deep down, keeping them all to myself. I don't want to feel judged again for something that was and still is absolutely out of my control.

Yes, I still have the feeling that people are looking at me as if I were a monster or a weirdo. I know that's not really the truth, but I can't help it. Throughout the years, I've just accumulated more layers of issues, like jobs, wages, countries, my own family, unsuccessful long term relationships, and, in the end, overall unhappiness and dark thoughts. And when I say dark thoughts, I really mean life threatening dark thoughts.

This post was last updated on October 11, 2026

Written in Serbia