I’m Going Home to See My Daughter, But I Don’t Want to Go

This week on Friday I have a flight to my hometown. It's a 4-day vacation that should be for me to rest and enjoy some free and me time and celebrate my older daughter's birthday from my last relationship, as well as to gain some strength back. I should be happy about it, but everything is quite the opposite. I wrote a little bit about that in A Father From a Distance: My Story of Love, Sacrifice, and Not Being Allowed to Be a Dad.

So what makes me feel sad, angry, anxious and nervous about it?

Daughter and ex girlfriend

I know I'll go there and first of all I'll have to beg my ex to give me time to see my daughter, and of course, I won't be able to actually take my daughter alone and have some alone time with her to enjoy a kid I get to see once a year, but I'll have to be accompanied by a person I don't want to have anywhere near me. Once again, I know as well that no one from my family will be able to see her at least for her birthday once again. Then there are time limitations. I wish I could spend at least one whole day with her, but her mother won't let me, surely, and most probably I'll end up having like one hour max with my older princess. Gosh, I love her, I miss her, I need her. I don't even remember when was the last time I saw her or got a photo of her. It makes me sad, it makes me angry and it makes me wonder why our daughter deserved any of that, to go through life without her father even though she has one and he loves her so much.

Family and home

I have no place where to stay. If I go to "my home", which is almost not mine anymore, there is another "family friend" living there, so the house is not empty and that someone is taking, at least, minimal care of the house. If I go to my grandma's place, she'll be waiting for me for breakfast, lunch and dinner, so if I go somewhere to see someone, I'll again have time pressure, even though I said a million times to her, please do not wait for me. I know there will be a topic about my older daughter and how she hasn't seen her for 6 years and so on and on. I know that pains her, not seeing her grandkid, but it's something totally out of my control and something I absolutely can't do anything about. Then there is another grandma who will want to see me. If I don't go, she'll get angry, if I go, the same topics about my older daughter will arise. I just have no strength for that anymore.

Friends, Time and Problems

Up to last year, I had, believe it or not, like three friends. I got to see two of them. They are all also grown-up people, having jobs, girlfriends, boyfriends, kids, so it is kinda hard to find time to chill with them. But last year I broke off communication with one of them. I literally told him, we're no friends anymore. Why, you may ask yourself? Well, the story is a very long and very annoying one, so for now I'll write that I borrowed him 300€ six years ago, and every time I'd go there he was promising to give them back next time. The last time was way over the top, as I literally went there with 100€ in my pocket for a week and needed that money really badly to buy something for my daughter's birthday, but I never got them. So yeah, that's it. So this year I'm left with two friends. One of them is on vacation as well, but out of the country. Maybe I'll get to see him the night before my return flight. Another friend, well, we wanted to see each other even last year, but she also had other responsibilities that she had to take care of and we just didn't manage to meet. This year she's promising that we'll meet, but I have no expectations.

Conclusion

So I know I'm going there to see my daughter like two times for one hour, I know I'm going there to see none of my friends, who are the only people I can talk to about everything, I know I'm going there to be under constant time pressure and to feel lonely. Every year it feels harder and harder to go there and I have less and less desire to go there. I already started saying that if I didn't have a daughter there, I wouldn't even consider going anymore.

This post was last updated on October 4, 2026

Written in Germany