What Depression Really Feels Like and How I Am Still Fighting It

What depression really feels like

Depression is not something that just goes away. It is not something you defeat once and move on from. I thought I had already beaten it once and mow I know it does not work like that.

This is not a story about winning. This is a story about falling again after you already stood up and constant fighting.

What depression actually looks like

Depression is not just sadness. It is something that slowly changes how you think and how you see yourself.

* Constant exhaustion that does not go away
* Thoughts that never seem to stop
* Losing interest in things you once cared about
* A feeling of sinking without a clear reason

Even when everything looks fine on the outside, it is not fine inside.

The time I was actually okay

What makes this harder is that I have already experienced what it feels like to be okay.

How I pulled myself out before

I was depressed before, but I found something that helped me fight it.

The gym became my escape. I was running regularly, working out after work, I had structure and routine, I had a goal..

Over time, things started to change.

I felt stronger. I felt more confident. I could look at myself in the mirror and not feel disappointed. I had energy again.

That period lasted almost two years, and it felt amazing.

Honestly, I had not felt that way in a very long time, actually I never felt like that.

The change that pushed everything backwards

Then something happened that I could not control. I moved to another country, not because I wanted to, but because I had to.

The period without a job

In the new environment, I spent almost nine months without a job.

That period slowly broke me down.

* I lost my routine
* I started feeling useless
* I had too much time to think
* I felt like I had no control over my life

That is when depression started coming back. Not suddenly, but slowly and quietly.

When depression comes back differently

I eventually found a part time job and things felt a bit more stable.

But depression did not disappear, it just stepped back and waited.

The feeling that never really left

It was always there somewhere in the background. Quiet, patient and waiting for the right moment, And eventually, it found it.

The moment everything shifted again

It was not one big event, it was something small. My second paycheck. And somehow, that was enough for everything to start going downhill again.

How it feels now

Right now, I feel like I am in a place where small things keep piling up.

* Things that were never a problem now feel overwhelming
* Simple responsibilities feel heavy
* My thoughts keep building up
* Everything feels harder than it should be

And it feels like all of it is slowly pulling me deeper.

The things I keep inside

The hardest part is that I know what is bothering me, I know what is on my mind, but I do not say it out loud.

Why I am writing this

I am also writing this for myself.

It feels like I am talking to them while writing it. To my family. Even though they are not reading this directly, it feels like I am finally saying things I usually keep inside.

It does not fix everything, but it makes my thoughts a little lighter. Like I am taking some of the weight out of my head and putting it somewhere else, even if just for a moment.

Why I stay quiet

* I do not want to hurt the people I love
* I do not want to burden them
* I do not know how to explain everything in my head

So I keep it all inside.

How I distance myself from my family

And then something I never wanted starts happening.

I begin to close myself off.

* I talk less
* I avoid conversations
* I spend more time alone
* I seem distant and cold

Even though that is not how I actually feel.

The part that hurts the most

I try to protect them by staying silent, but I end up hurting them by pulling myself away.

And that hurts more than I can explain.

What the fight looks like now

I cannot say that I have control, I cannot say that I have a solution. All I can say is that I am still in it.

Not every day is the same

* Some days I function almost normally
* Some days are really hard to get through
* Some days I just want to disconnect from everything

It comes in waves, without any clear pattern.

What I try to do, even when it is hard

I am not doing this perfectly, but I am trying.

* Sometimes I go outside, even for a short time
* I try to complete at least one small task a day
* I try hard not to completely shut down

And sometimes, that is all I have.

Final thoughts

I have been happy before, I know what that feels like, and maybe that is why this feels even harder now. But I also know that I managed to get out of this once.

And even if I cannot see how right now, there is still a part of me that believes it is not impossible. For now, the only thing I can do is stay and keep trying, as much and as hard as I can.

###Ending addition:

And if you're reading this, it probably means you're going through a hard and dark time in your life.

You need to know this. Me and you are not alone. It might feel like it, but we're definitely not.

We just have to keep fighting, even on the days when it feels pointless. Even when we feel stuck.

I was out of this once. And I promise you, it really is beautiful on the other side.

So whatever you're going through right now… don't give up.

Written in Germany